Week in Review

It’s been a both a bad week and a really horrible week.

In the past when my depression has hit, it seems to lead itself into me taking a small easy to deal with problem and turning it into a really big problem. Of course I don’t tell Jordon about it. I lie, hide, and deceive until he goes, “What is going on here?” At that point it comes out in the open and we can deal with it. This time I managed to do that again but this time when confronted about what was going on, I kept lying even when confessing to part of it. During the last week I had resigned myself to the fact that we would be getting a divorce. When the worst came out as well as my continued lying and stonewalling, I felt I had no alternative other than to leave Jordon and Mark. That suggestion didn’t exactly help with things. I couldn’t see why Jordon and Mark would want me around and was just planning to leave. Well actually I didn’t have a plan other than living on the street.

As I prepared to leave, Jordon deadpanned that if I was going to walk out, I should either have a plan or at least an affair so I have some place to go to and since I had neither, it would probably be easier if I stayed behind and worked things out.

It was a week of doing this and when everything was finally out in the open, Jordon was able to take some steps to fix the mess I had made. The bad part is that things we had planned for over a year were now canceled and a lot of damage had been done to our relationship and our marriage. When things were finally out in the open I felt better about it. On the other hand Jordon has been hurt by all the lies and hasn’t been able to keep food down or sleep and is trying to figure out how he can trust anything I say anymore. Me joking about things has exactly made things better.

Part of it is the depression and a big part of it is this is how I deal with things. I was molested growing up and this is what I do. I just hide them away so people don’t know the truth. Growing up people seemed more than content to look the other way for a lot of years. Now I am married to someone who cares enough not to look the other way but for some reason I default back into this horrible pattern. On top of the stress of making stupid decisions, I somehow decided it would be better if I stopped taking my anti-depressants.

So Jordon is married to a person who doesn’t take care of her depression and a brother in the basement who also suffers from it. The last couple of years have not been easy for him and this week sure didn’t take his mind off it. I despise being me right now but I am glad I am not alone through this although I am glad he was serious when he said, “for better or for worse” because it has been more worse than better recently and it is my fault.

When I went through this on a smaller level a year ago, Jordon put together this whole series of checks and balances so he could help me through this before it got this bad again.  What he didn’t count on was me lying to him about stuff like this and me now thinking it was justified because of the context.

I grew up being taught a twisted version of situational ethics which talked about love a lot but the end it was to hide from conflict.  I hated it because in many ways because it wasn’t authentic and seemed so condescending.  You would think one thing but say something else to protect a person because “you can’t handle the truth”.

And for some reason I am now doing that now.  I am the only person who “can handle the truth” and that is the biggest lie I tell myself.

It hasn’t been my best week but I am glad that I still have a home with Jordon and Mark, despite my best efforts to undermine it. It will be a couple of weeks until my medication takes hold again. I may or may not be blogging that much this summer. I have some more pressing things to take care of.