Update

I don’t know if I am ready to begin blogging but I thought I would post this here.  A lot of people have e-mailed and commented about my depression here and in e-mail and I appreciated it a lot.  Some have been confused about the nature of what I am going through and think depressed with me being suicidal.

I am not suicidal.  I’ll be honest and say that the last couple of days have been as bad as they can get for me but I am not thinking about killing myself although hitting my head repeatedly against a wall has occurred to me.

For me the depression has clouded my brain and thinking.  Even basic tasks are really hard which according to the doctors, is a result of the medication.  I can’t keep my focus (I am not driving with anyone in the car, with the radio off, and only short distances), find anything (the drill I have been looking for over the last couple of weeks was right where it was supposed to be), and I am angry a lot of the time, even when I am wrong, and am forgetful.  While that doesn’t make life a lot of fun and it isn’t fun knowing that you are a lot stupider today than you were a couple of months ago, I still have some hope.

My medication is being changed next week and I am going to a different family of anti-depressants.  Here is hoping that works or I get to do this all over again.

As for coping around here.  We have worked hard to simplify things for me which is helping.  Almost all of my tasks are written down for the day so I can work for a list and a bunch of things that I used to do, I don’t anymore.

The bad thing is that I am a lot less reliable now than what I used to be.  Yesterday, Jordon had a meeting and no one RSVP’d to his e-mail (which wasn’t that important).  He was really tired and not feeling great so I said that I would make some phone calls while Jordon slept to see if anyone was there.  We had also agreed that if I went to the coffee shop where we were meeting and if anyone was there, I would call him.  Well, I slept in and didn’t make the calls in time.  As I was leaving the house, Jordon reminded me to call him.  I went down there and people were there and instead of calling Jordon, I forgot I needed to.  I came home and Jordon woke up and it was 12:30.  We had planned to go to the Canada Remembers International Air Show at noon but I didn’t wake him up because a customer at Safeway had said that I didn’t need to bother to go until 3:30 and I didn’t bother passing that on to Jordon.  We used to work as a team on a lot of this stuff but for the last couple of years I find myself making more and more weird decisions that even a couple hours later just seem stupid.  The worst part about this for me is that I am doing to Jordon, what my parents do to me and I know how much it hurt and bothered me when I did it.  Eventually it went a long way in destroying our relationship.