My friend Darren Friesen has two good posts about his depression here and here.
Some of you have noticed that I haven’t been writing here much at all lately. I have intended to, but haven’t had the strength or desire. My depression seems to have it’s way with me these days. I am lethargic, frustrated, and muddled much of the time. This reaks havoc on family life, work, and all else that is around me. There are moments that are clear, but mostly I am in a fog, not knowing what to do next, not knowing how to take the next step to where I should be.
For those of you who have dealt with/are dealing with depression, you know what I mean. For those of you who (fortunately) have not entered this realm, I know that it is hard to understand. People don’t get why you can’t just “get up and do what you need to do”. That’s the thing; you can’t. The brain knows intellectually what needs to happen (i.e. – do the laundry, make a phone call, etc.) but the “why should I” doesn’t make any sense. Some of it has to do with my own attitudes, or the circumstances I find myself in, but there is no ability to push through that, to believe in yourself and that what you do actually matters. And so you just sit…and think (not clearly, mind you)…and sit some more.
And because of this, there is guilt…lots of guilt. “if only I could…”. “I should…”.
Darren writes about the same spot I am in now. I know the steps I need to take but I can’t take them. It’s frustrating, not just for me but as Darren said, it reaks havoc on the family. I put off important things that I assure Jordon I am on top of, I don’t communicate with Lee, and I don’t interact with Mark like he wants. I messed up something this week that was so bad, I expected Jordon to make me move out. He handled it with a lot of calm even if meant that I wrecked our summer vacation plans 
He spent a couple of hours cleaning up the kitchen after me and making sure everything was taken care of. Two days later, it is a mess again. I wish I could blame Lee and Jordon but no, it was me. Even when I do things, I only seem to do them to about 70% completion which creates either some huge problems or just leads to a mess laying around and more work for Jordon to take care of. I hate where I am right now.
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I love your honesty and openess, thank you. Keeping you in Jordon in my prayers, wish there was more we could do.
- Peace
I’ve been dealing with depression since i was a teenager, and ive just now started to get a handle on it and live a “normal” life (whatever that is). I’ve tried several different medicines and supplements, and I’ve been on Zoloft for about 6 months and it’s really a great drug for me. I’m not sure what your experience with drugs is, but it’s really helped me have hope.
For the lethargy and being tired all the time, I’m on a lot of different vitamins. I take a GNC Vita-pak in the morning, a Chromium pill, and a green supplement halfway through the day, and I make sure I eat a healthy meal every 3 hours. This has really helped because I find that if my energy level goes down, I’m much more susceptible to depression. At least I think that’s how it works. It could just be that the depression causes energy loss (which I know is a common side effect). It’s kinda like the chicken or the egg thing.
I’ve just found that I have to be REALLY proactive about this stuff, but if it wasn’t for the Zoloft, I wouldn’t be able to be proactive, b/c I just wouldn’t be able to.
I pray that you find what you need to get through this. I know it’s different for every case. God bless!
*Because of this there is guilt…lots of guilt. “If only I could… I should…”*
The tyranny of the ‘oughts’; …could have, …would have, …should have, is one of the most crippling aspects of a clinical depression.
It is not about lack of character, although many churched and none churched people who have never suffered depression are more than happy to assign moral failing.
And that makes the tyranny of the oughts feed a chemical imbalance and it is meaningless how others assign, diagnosis, lay blame or pep talk. You are so correct, depression is something we would not wish on our worst enemy.
I’m praying for you and your family Wendy.
Praying. For health. For joy.